Diary of A Bastard

November 10, 2017

 

LISTS OF GRIEVANCES AGAINST MY BROTHER EDGAR

 

Idiot

Un-ironic hackey sack ownership

Constantly doing stupid voices, thinks he’s SOOOO funny

Seriously will take any opportunity to remove his shirt on the slightest provocation

Unnecessarily tall

Thinks it’s cute to mess with my hair

Handwriting is surprisingly difficult to mimic

What does he DO all day? Literally nothing

Thinks everyone likes him (they do, but still…)

 I’m not making this up he actually just took his shirt off while playing hackey sack

 

LIST OF GRIEVANCES AGAINST MY FATHER

 

Introduces me to everyone as “My bastard son, Edmund”

Constantly, inappropriately brings up how attractive/good in bed my mother was

Sent me away to school and never came to a single sporting event or family day even though I know for a fact he went to Edgar’s games (and Edgar played ULTIMATE FRISBEE which is not even a real sport)

Into new-age BS like astrology

Super politically conservative, still supports King Lear

Always trying to read my letters but keeps his locked up

Annoyingly easy to trick, like, it’s not even fun it’s so easy

Doesn’t care AT ALL when I get hurt

Old

Just, SO old

 

 

PROS and CONS: Dad v. Cornwall

 

DAD:

Pros

Totally likes me best now

Is family I guess

 

Cons

Old

Doesn’t even notice when people are bleeding right in front of him

I won’t get to be Earl until he dies

Pro-Lear/France

 

CORNWALL:

Pros

Not THAT old

Hot wife

Recognizes talent when he sees it

Shows concern when his subordinates are injured

Anti-Lear

Probably would rather have me be Earl than my dumb father

 

Cons

Violent temper

Kinda bald?

 

PROS and CONS: Goneril v. Regan

 

GONERIL:

Pros

Hot

Super into me

Eldest

 

Cons

Has a husband

Husband is a tool

Can be scary

Might be hard to control

 

REGAN:

Pros

Hot

Super into me

No husband

Definitely will let me be in charge when we’re married

 

Cons

Needy/clingy

Younger, further down in the line of succession

The whole blinding situation is a little awkward, might become a problem later

 

PLAN TO BECOME KING

Lear —> have killed in prison

Cordelia/King of France —> have Cordelia killed, what’s France going to do about it? We just defeated them

Regan —-> once officially married, Regan has an “accident”

Goneril/Albany ——> kill Albany personally (hate that guy), marry Goneril

Goneril has an “accident”

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