Diary of A Bastard
LISTS OF GRIEVANCES AGAINST MY BROTHER EDGAR
Idiot
Un-ironic hackey sack ownership
Constantly doing stupid voices, thinks he’s SOOOO funny
Seriously will take any opportunity to remove his shirt on the slightest provocation
Unnecessarily tall
Thinks it’s cute to mess with my hair
Handwriting is surprisingly difficult to mimic
What does he DO all day? Literally nothing
Thinks everyone likes him (they do, but still…)
I’m not making this up he actually just took his shirt off while playing hackey sack
LIST OF GRIEVANCES AGAINST MY FATHER
Introduces me to everyone as “My bastard son, Edmund”
Constantly, inappropriately brings up how attractive/good in bed my mother was
Sent me away to school and never came to a single sporting event or family day even though I know for a fact he went to Edgar’s games (and Edgar played ULTIMATE FRISBEE which is not even a real sport)
Into new-age BS like astrology
Super politically conservative, still supports King Lear
Always trying to read my letters but keeps his locked up
Annoyingly easy to trick, like, it’s not even fun it’s so easy
Doesn’t care AT ALL when I get hurt
Old
Just, SO old
PROS and CONS: Dad v. Cornwall
DAD:
Pros
Totally likes me best now
Is family I guess
Cons
Old
Doesn’t even notice when people are bleeding right in front of him
I won’t get to be Earl until he dies
Pro-Lear/France
CORNWALL:
Pros
Not THAT old
Hot wife
Recognizes talent when he sees it
Shows concern when his subordinates are injured
Anti-Lear
Probably would rather have me be Earl than my dumb father
Cons
Violent temper
Kinda bald?
PROS and CONS: Goneril v. Regan
GONERIL:
Pros
Hot
Super into me
Eldest
Cons
Has a husband
Husband is a tool
Can be scary
Might be hard to control
REGAN:
Pros
Hot
Super into me
No husband
Definitely will let me be in charge when we’re married
Cons
Needy/clingy
Younger, further down in the line of succession
The whole blinding situation is a little awkward, might become a problem later
PLAN TO BECOME KING
Lear —> have killed in prison
Cordelia/King of France —> have Cordelia killed, what’s France going to do about it? We just defeated them
Regan —-> once officially married, Regan has an “accident”
Goneril/Albany ——> kill Albany personally (hate that guy), marry Goneril
Goneril has an “accident”
